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2001-08-10 10:30 pm

THOUGHTS-NO THOUGHTS

It's one of those evening's. I don't really know what to do with my self, but my cat seems content with laying nuzzled behind my legs while I lay on my side writing. Somehow, that seems comforting.

Boredom should be nonexistent. I SHOULD NOT be bored. Boredom, I think, is just another way of saying "I wish I was somewhere else, doing something different." But strangely enough, I don't really know what else it is that I'd like to be doing, so I can't say I'm bored. In many ways I'd just like to be laying here with my arms wrapped around 'him'-enjoying 'his' company-but then I think how hard I've been trying to get myself used to not seeing him-not being with him, and not being able to call him. And it's the second I can't call him, that I want to. However, I've found that I'm having a hard time talking to him now, and even being with him now. Not because I don't want to be with him...i love him forever, but it tugs at my emotions, going back and forth with being together, not being together. And no matter how much I tell myself otherwise-this is really hard for me. And I don't like pretending we are a couple when we're NOT GOING TO be a couple. ("One day Trish, maybe one day." It makes me want to cry.) So to protect myself from being hurt I've put up the wall again. And I need to stop beating around the bush about that-and so does he. I should stop making assumptions, which is why we need to talk. We start to...but it's not an 'over-the-phone' kinda conversation. So I guess it will be an 'over-labor-day-weekend'kinda conversation. However... I hate talking about stuff like that when we don't have much time to be together.

I guess I just don't want to be in an inbetween state...because it's confusing...but would it really be easier to be sure that we ARE, or ARE NOT together? Maybe the inbetween isn't all that bad...at least then there's still hoping.

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