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2001-08-03 9:19 p.m.

woke up at seven....had an interestingly dazed morning. Wrote for awhile, drew for awhile...even wiped the dust from the old paint box and pulled out a canvas for about an hour. It was beautiful outside so I took a short walk. When I came home my bed looked so inviting that I laid down and took a 10 minute doze on my silky soft satin pillows and relished the feel of a cool bed on a hot summer morning...then I got up again, ate some food, went to the bathroom, and started the whole routine over again until it was time to go to work. When the roommates finally surfaced I wasn't my normal cheery morning self. I knew it, they knew it. but I just couldnt figure out why...except that I had had way too many strange dreams last night and was really hoping to hear from my boy. Just for a smile. -and then i realized how hard this fall was going to be.

Story time.

Wednesday night I went to the bar with my asst. manager(tammy). I ordered a martini, we talked, laughed and thouroughly enjoyed ourselves. I hadnt eaten much that day(nor the rest of this week for that matter) so I wasn't planning on drinking much. But I think the bartenders were fucking with our drinks because after my second martini I was feeling rather buzzed-okay, so i havent been that drunk since my birthday and i went home and puked that night. Not to mention that the guys on the other side of the bar started sending us gumbie shots and MORE martini's.

Now I'm trying to understand the whole bar thing. the pickup lines, the dancefloors, the booze. I'm rather fond of all of it, but I am trying to get a grasp of the whole singles community hangout thing. At times, it is flattering when guys buy me a drink and tell me i'm the most beautiful girl in the bar, but when it comes time where i feel I have to fend them off with a stick I just don't understand it-there is too much routine to the chaos. Those lines REALLY start becoming lines. These guys in particular were at least 10 years older than me, and the one who was digging on me(i never even talked to actually)was probably 34 or 35. I chatted with his friend, Andy, (get this, he was Andy's asst. manager-what a coincidence)about soccer and philosophy. I had a good time, and i'm happy leaving that "relationship" as a conversation at the bar...and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE meeting new people. But the bar thing is just strange sometimes...okay..not just the bar thing...but the whole dating scene.

I don't know if its Denver or me, but I never had a date in highschool, and since I've moved out here, it seems it's either flood or famine. Right now it's flood. Jeremy (the lovesick fool-gotta give him props for not giving up easily) is still pushing to hook up with me. There is still an odd tension between Doug and I-which I can't really explain well without telling the whole story-but he wants to start hanging out again. Do I even want to mention 'Maleek'? And then there's the guys from einstein's who've tracked me down again, and the more I head into the bars the more men I find hitting on me. Now I COULD make dates with all these 'prospects' but I don't want to-even after the 'official-breakup' I dont want to.(Don't even get me started on that one.)

What makes things even more complicated is that I AM involved with Jon right now. and whether or not we're 'together' or just friends, my heart is with him, and I just don't want to bother with all these other guys. They're almost a hassle. God knows I love them all, but I can't be interested in all of them.

It feels so strange to be on the other end of infatuation. In high school, even if I liked a guy, there was never any reciprocity of those feelings. and I longed for that reciprocity. I feel bad about what I'm doing to Jeremy. I dont want him to have false hopes. But in his head....if i'm not with Wolf, then I'm with him. It's not going to work that way.(just in case you're confused-wolf=jon=jonny=my boy,yea they're all the same guy).

I've found i've put up a wall with Jeremy. I love his company and his friendship...but that's all I want from him. Unfortunately he wants more. We joke around a lot with each other-i don't know how much of it he takes seriously,or me, for that matter. But when I asked him the other night what makes him so sure he will EVER see me naked-he asked me why I was so sure he wouldn't. His mind is warped like that...he is so absolutely sure I will eventually succomb to his advances. Sure, he is attractive, and sweet and does nice things for me...but I cannot see myself with him. I think the only attraction I feel for Jeremy is in response to his persuance. I just cant talk to him straight-so that he understands, without hurting him too much. But at the same time...I realize by dragging him,I am hurting him. However, I have told him straight up that I wasnt interested in him, more than a friend. He told me he respected my relationship with wWlf and didnt want to ruin it because he knew I was happy with him, and he just wants me to be happy. I truly, truly appreciate him for saying that. I think that was the most REAL conversation i had ever had with jeremy. The question is...what do I say to him now?

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